Adoptism

Last night I had my CASA training, Day 3. This training has been the best training I have ever attended for anything! It is eye-opening and fascinating to say the least. I am so excited to be a part of this organization. But, there have been some things said that have an anti-adoption tone to them and it has made me a little sad. Mainly that the notion still very much floats around that it is in the best interest of all children to be raised by their biological parents. Today, we went to the social security office to apply for Isaac's new card, since his birth certificate came! On the application it had you mark a category called "Natural or Adoptive Parent". What?! Are we not Isaac's natural parents? What are we....un-natural? I mentioned this to the lady who was processing the request for us and she told us that she had adopted her two children, who are now adults. And she said, "Wow, I thought we would be past this idea by now!" Not so. Before I went to bed, I finished a book called Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Need to Know. I wanted to share some really interesting things that the book touched on:

"Racism: A belief that race is a primary determinant of human traits and capacities. A belief that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. Prejudice or discrimination against someone on the basis of race.

Sexism: Prejudice or discrimination against someone on the basis of gender.

Adoptism: A belief that forming a family by birth is superior to forming a family by adoption. A belief that keeping a child with his/her biological parents is inherently better than placing a child for adoption...Prejudice or discrimination against members of the adoption triad."

As a society, we tend to understand the dangers of bias based on race, gender, or class. Adoptism is no different. Adoptism is just as damaging.

I wanted to share this because so far in our year as Isaac's Mommy and Daddy, we have not experienced racism. But we often experience adoptism. And it hurts us at a level that is hard to explain. Adoptism for us has sounded something like this (Yes, these are things people have said to us):

"Is he yours?"

"Are you sure that you tried hard enough/ waited long enough to have your own child?"

"Wow! You adopted? I thought I had heard you were pregnant?"

"That is so great, what ya'll have done. I could never do that!"

"We have always talked about adopting, after our second, third, fourth child."

"Are you sure you you are okay getting a black child? He/she will have enough issues just being adopted!"

"Where did you get him?"

"Oh! You couldn't have your own children?"

"We are so excited for him! Our child doesn't have any black friends!"

"If I had a baby, I could never give it away!"

"You know, once you adopt-you will get pregnant!"

"Why would anyone adopt overseas? There are enough babies here!"

"How much does it cost?" - Think about it, would I ask you how much your labor and delivery cost? No

"Is that your son? Yes he is my son. That's strange."

I share these things-not to be obnoxious-but to truly give you a little taste into the world of adoptism. One of the most common things we here when people hear him call us Mama and Daddy is, "Did you adopt him?" I feel like saying-"No, the genetic make-up of my husband and I just created an African American child. Isn't that the wildest thing?" Are these things mean-spirited? No-of course not! But it still hurts. Why? Because it sets us apart from the rest of the world. It marks us as different. Adoption is not a condition, it is a way that families are made like marriage and birth. I hope as we expand our family through adoption (yes, we want more!) that we will become better equiped to handle this kind of thing so that Isaac will know his family is special, not strange.