Thoughts on Infertility, Adoption....and Sleep

It is almost 4 am as I write this post. My inspiration? Our fussy newborn daughter who likes to give her sleep deprived Mommy and Daddy fits in the middle of the night. We have said before, "she is so angelic...when she is asleep!" As you know, I am reading these books to the left on sleep. They both have various tactics to get your baby to sleep well at night (Not until over the age of 2 months, though....3 weeks left to go!) The second book talked much about sleep associations, those things you do that make you fall asleep fast and stay asleep. Examples for an adult would be a dark room, blankets, maybe a fan. For babies it is often music, rocking, a pacifier, drinking a bottle or breastfeeding. This particular book says you should limit those sleep associations that are driven by outside sources thereby allowing your baby to learn to "self soothe". This would mean that when she wakes up at night, she won't need you and your rocking and singing, etc. to put her back to sleep. I read this and thought, "Great! more sleep for me! Woo Hoo! When can we start?" Well...not so fast...then enters the pink book. This book is by the all too opinionated Dr. Sears and his team who get on my nerves because his advice (and I have read many of his books) always sounds so right for the baby, and so exhausting for the parents! He believes in "attachment parenting". This involves sleep associations that involve Mom and Dad at all odd hours because he says baby's who are "parented" asleep, sleep less fitfully and have a stronger bond with Mom and Dad vs. babies who are left to cry it out and learn that the crib is a lonely place where they are left to fend for themselves. Darn that Dr. Sears!
So here I am left rocking, singing, and pacifiying my fussy baby to sleep at 3 in the morning, trying to sort out these various theories. Amidst all this swirling in my brain I am relaxed by a baby worship cd that my Mom bought Vivi. And on comes a song called "Blessed be His Name" with the side lyrics of "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be His name." Oh Lord.
It is at these times that I am struck by the awesome wonder that has been our life since we began trying to conceive 3 years ago this month. Back then, in the throws of infertility, my grief would keep me awake at night. And I would long for a baby to hold and rock into the wee hours of the night. And many nights Billy was awakened not to a crying newborn, but to a crying wife. It was a deep ache that is unexplainable. When we decided to pursue adopting through the foster care system, and we welcomed 19 month old Stephanie into our home, I rocked her to sleep that first night and many nights after. I felt her grief at being shuffled around, and I used that time to work through my grief of not having a baby that was my own. And with the pain of infertility still so fresh in my heart, I vowed that I would rock all my babies. Because I prayed for them, and I was given the gift of motherhood-as temporary as it was-and I wouldn't take it for granted. And when the Lord gave me my skinny, hurting little boy-I said to myself in the darkness of the nursery as we rocked back and forth-that God gave him to me because he knew how desperately I needed a baby to hold and He gave me to "Ayres"-Isaac because he knew how desperately he had needed a Mama to hold him.
SO-I come to this cross roads of wanting to do what is right by the baby girl that I have been given. We have lived a marriage where the Lord has given and has taken away, and it has not been easy. But this baby is here and she is real and by His grace she isn't going anywhere. And even though I may wish I had done it differently when she is 6 months old and not sleeping through the night because she wants her Mama, today I will rock her and sing to her and hold her close until she falls asleep. And I am sure I will do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm sure I will log many miles of rocking in that chair. And in doing so, I believe I will rock away the hurt and grief I have suffered these years. I will sing a new song in my soul for my God who is ever-faithful and has continually told us to "wait". We waited, Lord-and look what you have done! My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.